


The lightning bolt is my penis

by afra_schatz



Category: Greek and Roman Mythology, Percy Jackson & the Olympians: The Lightning Thief (2010)
Genre: Crack, F/M, Hangover, M/M, Multi, god porn, sean bean IS a god, seastar tattoos
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-05-26
Updated: 2012-05-26
Packaged: 2017-11-06 01:48:17
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 977
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/413378
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/afra_schatz/pseuds/afra_schatz
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Poseidon pre-coffee was an absolute pleasure to handle. And by 'being a pleasure' Zeus obviously meant being a pain in his divine arse. Speaking of arse, he'd very much like to shove his lightning bolt up his brother's behind. And no, not a metaphorical expression (Seriously? He was the one giving exclusive interviews in Troy to Homer - what do you think where the man got the skills from? To think that Zeus would refer to his manhood as a lightning bolt... Man, get real.)</p>
            </blockquote>





	The lightning bolt is my penis

**Author's Note:**

> This is so very much crack. It's not my fault that with Sean Bean cast as the frigging king of Gods porn writes itself. - The title is a mangled quote from Dr. Horrible of course.

Poseidon pre-coffee was an absolute pleasure to handle. And by 'being a pleasure' Zeus obviously meant being a pain in his divine arse. Speaking of arse, he'd very much like to shove his lightning bolt up his brother's behind. And no, not a metaphorical expression (Seriously? He was the one giving exclusive interviews in Troy to Homer - what do you think where the man got the skills from? To think that Zeus would refer to his manhood as a lightning bolt... Man, get real.)

Anyway. Back at Mt. Olympus, Sunday morning family picnic.

(On a sidenote: The fact that there was such a thing as a Sunday morning family picnic was completely Hera's fault. Not that Zeus would ever let himself be bossed around by his sister slash wife (never) but somehow she said that it'd be either his idea of an all male Friday night piss up with worldly entertainment such as football (Zeus' invention, in case you wondered) or there'd be Hera dressed up as a Spartan nurse (with the obligatory whip) and Sunday morning picnic. Let's just say that Zeus can never resist a scantily clad nurse barking at him to man up, it's just a flesh wound.)

Picnic. Right.

Zeus leaned back on his forearms and squinted despite his sunglasses. Trust Hera to bully Helios into barging around in his brightest model of sun chariot this morning. Bastard.

Okay, maybe Zeus had a bit of a divine headache. Funny thing, by the way. His body didn't have any objections against litres of ouzo and wine and not a single time had he even so much as pulled a muscle when gracing human females with the greatness of his lightning bolt, err manhood. However, spend a night in bed (or on a cloud, Zeus wasn't sure about it; maybe he should've gone a little easier on the ouzo after all) with Poseidon and bam, you wake up with a headache the size of Sicily. Which, btw was the exact spot they had landed - rather uncomfortably - when in a fit of passion Poseidon had accidentally rolled them off the bed/cloud...

Zeus poured a healthy amount of ambrosia into his morning coffee when Hera wasn't looking, and risked a second glance at his brother.

Zeus was glad that he knew they were immortal - being eaten by your Dad, picking random fights with Titans and an endless list of normally fatal STDs had proven that. But still, despite that knowledge, Poseidon looked rather worse for wear. He'd barely made it ashore and lay quite a bit away from the buttugly but obligatory chequered picnic blanket, his face in a small puddle of drool/sea water. There was a large seastar sticking to his back like a 3D tattoo and no matter that his brother smelled of brackish water and groaned like a half drowned sailor, Zeus still admired the prettiness of that. Or, he would have if he were a 13 year old girl in love with romantisised pirates and not the fucking King of Gods.

Sipping from his ambrosiad coffee, Zeus easily ignored Hera's honeyvoiced request to join them ("ZEUS! SANDCASTLE BUILDING, NOW!") - no one needed a stupid sandcastle anyway, Athena never got past the theoretical planning, Ares just wanted to stomp on it and Apollon was far too busy roasting himself in the sun, anxious to avoid tan lines. 

When Zeus stretched out his leg and poked Poseidon's head with his toe, it earned him a groan and a sort of flop, like a stranded merman maybe. Zeus decided that more subtlety was called for and stuck his foot into his brother's face. The response was a louder growl and an breaker - completely unfitting for such a calm day on the beach - rolled protectively over Poseidon's body, showering Zeus with spray. Spluttering, he wiped the foam from his face and with a flick of his hand produced a lightning bolt that crashed down onto the rippling sea, the divine equivalent of a kick in the arse.

"Fucking hell, stop it already, you giant show off," Poseidon grumbled and Zeus was about to send another lightning bolt up his brother's arse (not an expression) for that impertinence if he hadn't been slightly distracted by the outerworldly prettiness of Poseidon's blue eyes. Which were glaring at him, granted, but still.

"People with jelly fish on their heads are not allowed to talk to me like that," he replied, belatedly, only to have afore mentioned jelly fish thrown at him. With a splotch! it landed on his chest - say what you want about the God of the Sea, he has good aim (and gives good head, but that's beside the point).

"Oi!" Zeus shouted with all the indignation a naked God with a jelly fish sucking on his right nipple can muster. "Don't make me show you who's the head bitch around here! Again!"

Zeus waited for the tsunami to crash down on him now (again, not an expression) but surprisingly there was no biblical flood coming his way. Instead, Zeus watched how Poseidon got to his feet, gloriously naked if you didn't count the odd sea star sticking to his skin and his greasy flip flops. He blocked out half of the sun, its rays made his silver hair shimmer just like the ripples on the sea.

"Try me," he drawled, adding with a smirk, "ye landlubber."

"Seriously brother," Zeus replied, "is it 'Talk like a pirate' day today? You sound ridiculous." Didn't look ridiculous though and Zeus really appreciated his fantastic eyesight and the close proximity of Poseidon's nakedness. 

Poseidon, however, kicked sand in his face.

Needless to say that all sandcastle attempts were rudely put to an end when Zeus tackled his brother to the ground to prove to him once again that _he_ was the one with the giant lightning bolt. Metaphorically speaking.

 

***


End file.
